How to Name Your First Novel

Reprinted from HOW TO NAME YOUR FIRST NOVEL by Linda Holmes, via npr.org

If Your First Novel Will Be A Busted Romance:

[ANY OF THE SEVEN DWARFS]: A Love Story

If Your First Novel Will Be A Harrowing Historical Account:
The [A COLOR] [REPEAT THAT COLOR] [A FLOWER]s Of [A CITY IN EUROPE]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Withering Teenage Quasi-Memoir:
How I Flunked [YOUR WORST ACADEMIC SUBJECT] But Passed [THE FIRST MUSICIAN YOU SAW IN CONCERT]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Workplace Satire:
At Least They Left Us The [A PIECE OF OFFICE MACHINERY]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Quirky Woman's Story From Someone Else's Point Of View:
[A CHILD-CARE-RELATED TRANSITIVE VERB]ing [THE NAME OF YOUR PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Quirky Man's Story From His Own Point Of View:
[THE FIRST NAME OF YOUR MATERNAL GRANDFATHER]Reads The Works Of [CLASSIC AUTHOR]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Miserable Story Of One Person's Suffering:
My [A FRAGILE OBJECT] Is [A WORD THAT MEANS "BROKEN"]

If Your First Novel Will Be Self-Consciously Ironic And Self-Congratulatory:
[A COMIC-BOOK SOUND EFFECT WORD] Goes [A NEIGHBORHOOD IN BROOKLYN]

If Your First Novel Takes Place In Gorgeous Locations:
The [ANY COUNTRY] [ANY COMMON SOCIAL EVENT]Chronicles

If Your First Novel Is Intended To Launch A Giant Moneymaking Franchise:
Everything Starts With ["1" OR "A"]

I'm a five star slacker

Sometimes you feel like a writer, sometimes you don't.

I'd like to say I've been so busy I haven't had the time to sit down and concentrate on the two novels I have in the works, but that's just not true. I managed to finish an astounding number of levels on Angry Birds. Warning--if you see the Angry Birds app on any device you own, never...ever...touch it. It's a sly demon sent by the Lords of Time to suck your life away. It's the game equivalent of crack.


When I started Case Files I posted a spinning banner on my screen saver that read: Three Pages Per Day. That was my goal and it came with conditions. If I didn't complete my three pages, if I wrote only one for example, then I owed myself two pages the next day. I didn't always reach my goal, but the phrase kept me focused. And it kept me feeling guilty for wasting time. Many people have written many pages outlining their secrets for overcoming writer's block. For me, guilt is a great motivator.

Time to turn that screen saver back on.

Five Star Review

This just in. Thank you, Susan R from Reader's Favorite.

"Listen. Would you like to know a secret? Did you know everyone heads off into the Afterlife once they die, regardless of whether they're good or bad? It's true. Just read "The Case Files of Thomas Carney".

Tom Carney, a nondescript school-teacher before he died, awakes to find himself a supernatural investigator in Afterlife Investigations.

Ms Wolfe deserves an award for sheer imagination in this quirky novel. Don't expect it to be feel-good with angels on clouds and stardust. Tom now inhabits a place midway between life and his final destination, a place swirled in mist and utter, mind-bending, bureaucracy. His companions are gelled into their own eras. His secretary, for example, still uses a traditional typewriter and receives strict orders for his investigation missions from the Home Office. 

Following Tom's somewhat bungling attempts to find his feet in his new job was hilarious and I couldn't put the book down as he's drawn into the case of releasing a ghost child from the clutches of an evil being that belongs neither on earth nor in the after-life.

The cast of characters are unique and fully-rounded - those in the bar next to Tom's agency are as varied and enjoyable as those in the TV series "Cheers". The pacing gallops along and I enjoyed this supernatural romp that will keep me thinking about it for a long time to come. With any luck Ms Wolfe will be considering a sequel because I surely haven't had enough of Tom Carney."