How to Name Your First Novel

Reprinted from HOW TO NAME YOUR FIRST NOVEL by Linda Holmes, via npr.org

If Your First Novel Will Be A Busted Romance:

[ANY OF THE SEVEN DWARFS]: A Love Story

If Your First Novel Will Be A Harrowing Historical Account:
The [A COLOR] [REPEAT THAT COLOR] [A FLOWER]s Of [A CITY IN EUROPE]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Withering Teenage Quasi-Memoir:
How I Flunked [YOUR WORST ACADEMIC SUBJECT] But Passed [THE FIRST MUSICIAN YOU SAW IN CONCERT]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Workplace Satire:
At Least They Left Us The [A PIECE OF OFFICE MACHINERY]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Quirky Woman's Story From Someone Else's Point Of View:
[A CHILD-CARE-RELATED TRANSITIVE VERB]ing [THE NAME OF YOUR PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Quirky Man's Story From His Own Point Of View:
[THE FIRST NAME OF YOUR MATERNAL GRANDFATHER]Reads The Works Of [CLASSIC AUTHOR]

If Your First Novel Will Be A Miserable Story Of One Person's Suffering:
My [A FRAGILE OBJECT] Is [A WORD THAT MEANS "BROKEN"]

If Your First Novel Will Be Self-Consciously Ironic And Self-Congratulatory:
[A COMIC-BOOK SOUND EFFECT WORD] Goes [A NEIGHBORHOOD IN BROOKLYN]

If Your First Novel Takes Place In Gorgeous Locations:
The [ANY COUNTRY] [ANY COMMON SOCIAL EVENT]Chronicles

If Your First Novel Is Intended To Launch A Giant Moneymaking Franchise:
Everything Starts With ["1" OR "A"]

I'm a five star slacker

Sometimes you feel like a writer, sometimes you don't.

I'd like to say I've been so busy I haven't had the time to sit down and concentrate on the two novels I have in the works, but that's just not true. I managed to finish an astounding number of levels on Angry Birds. Warning--if you see the Angry Birds app on any device you own, never...ever...touch it. It's a sly demon sent by the Lords of Time to suck your life away. It's the game equivalent of crack.


When I started Case Files I posted a spinning banner on my screen saver that read: Three Pages Per Day. That was my goal and it came with conditions. If I didn't complete my three pages, if I wrote only one for example, then I owed myself two pages the next day. I didn't always reach my goal, but the phrase kept me focused. And it kept me feeling guilty for wasting time. Many people have written many pages outlining their secrets for overcoming writer's block. For me, guilt is a great motivator.

Time to turn that screen saver back on.

Five Star Review

This just in. Thank you, Susan R from Reader's Favorite.

"Listen. Would you like to know a secret? Did you know everyone heads off into the Afterlife once they die, regardless of whether they're good or bad? It's true. Just read "The Case Files of Thomas Carney".

Tom Carney, a nondescript school-teacher before he died, awakes to find himself a supernatural investigator in Afterlife Investigations.

Ms Wolfe deserves an award for sheer imagination in this quirky novel. Don't expect it to be feel-good with angels on clouds and stardust. Tom now inhabits a place midway between life and his final destination, a place swirled in mist and utter, mind-bending, bureaucracy. His companions are gelled into their own eras. His secretary, for example, still uses a traditional typewriter and receives strict orders for his investigation missions from the Home Office. 

Following Tom's somewhat bungling attempts to find his feet in his new job was hilarious and I couldn't put the book down as he's drawn into the case of releasing a ghost child from the clutches of an evil being that belongs neither on earth nor in the after-life.

The cast of characters are unique and fully-rounded - those in the bar next to Tom's agency are as varied and enjoyable as those in the TV series "Cheers". The pacing gallops along and I enjoyed this supernatural romp that will keep me thinking about it for a long time to come. With any luck Ms Wolfe will be considering a sequel because I surely haven't had enough of Tom Carney."

Impacted!

I can't take it anymore. With the flood (no pun intended) of recent news coverage about Hurricane Irene, the misuse of "impacted" has reached frenzy level. I suppose saying that something is impacted rather than affected by events has more verbal punch, but I still say it is WRONG and using is again and again doesn't make it right.

"Impacted" is an adjective in the English language, meaning tightly packed or wedged in. It shouldn't be the used as the past tense conjugation of the transitive verb, impact. This verb's primary meaning is to strike forcefully or make contact with, however, recent usage has given it an alternate meaning as in to alter, influence, have an effect on. For example, The senator's insistence on cutting Medicare funding will impact the lives of the elderly. Affect or even effect would be better, but impact is correct. The elderly are impacted by deep cuts in Medicare funding. No!  If they are, they should consult a physician, despite the loss of funding. They're probably eating too much cheese.

Bottom line, wisdom teeth and bowels are impacted. People, places and events are not.

My Real Ghost Story #1

My friend Natalie tells me I should write down all the weird encounters I've had, mostly as a child, and put them into a biography. Well, they're isolated incidents, not much story line to work with, so I thought I'd post them now and then on this blog. Here's one from my teenage years:

My parents scraped the money together and paid for me to study overseas for a summer session at Universite Dijon when I was sixteen years old. Our group stopped off for a day in New York City before heading to France. Our guide took us to St. Patrick's Cathedral, which didn't appeal to most of the sixteen year old girls. They wanted pizza. I, however, fancied myself a budding art student and wanted to see the interior--particularly the statues, icons, etc. Besides, it was much cooler in there than out on the street. While they debated over lunch, I popped inside for a look. I made it a little way inside the entrance, near the back row of pews, and stopped to look at the angel on one of the water fonts. It was very quiet and peaceful inside--just a few visitors milling around a good distance away near the alter.

I heard a tapping sound behind me. I turned toward the big entry doors. They were closed. An elderly woman in a long black dress and long black veil--she looked like a stereotypical 1900s Italian grandmother--was heading straight towards me with a vengeance. The tapping sound came from the metal tip of her black umbrella striking the marble floor. The taps weren't in cadence with her stride. She was hitting the umbrella rapidly against the floor to get my attention. Being an awkward and relatively shy teenager, I whirled back around to stare at the statue again. I didn't want to get into a confrontation with somebody's nana. I could feel her walk up directly behind me and the tapping stopped. She leaned over and hissed in my left ear--Don't pray to St. Theresa, she'll give you tuberculosis!  I caught a glimpse of her black dress whisk past me on the left and turned to look. All I saw was the empty aisle stretched out ahead. I turned around--no one. I looked at the other visitors. They were going about their business. Granny had vanished. I hustled out the front doors, rejoined the group, and set out for lunch.

I learned much later in life, while reading about the Cathedral, that indeed there is an alter to St. Theresa down that long vacant aisle I saw. This particular Theresa was awarded the honor of Church Doctor and died from her good works after contracting--you guessed it--tuberculosis. Why this spirit felt the need to warn me, I don't know. Maybe she had an axe to grind about this particular place. Or maybe she just took the opportunity to come back from the other side, have a little fun and tease an impressionable teenage girl.

My Favorite Literary Ghosts

Jacob Marley - A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens.  Poor Jacob tries his best to convince Scrooge that he is a real apparition (not a bit of underdone potato) and to send him a warning. I wear the chain I forged in life. We all should take heed. But Scrooge is in denial until...
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come - A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens.  Hooded robe, skeletal pointing finger. Who could ask for anything more in a ghostly messenger? Without a word, this spirit shows Scrooge how his miserable, pathetic life ends in a neglected grave. Point taken, Scrooge changes his ways.
The ghosts of the Overlook Hotel - The Shining, Stephen King.  Delbert Grady, Lloyd the bartender, that thing in Room 217. Sinister, manipulative and scary, scary, scary. I slept with the light on for a week after finishing this book and I was 24 years old at the time. Classic.
Peter Quint and Miss Jessel - The Turn of the Screw, Henry James.  Illicit lovers in life. Child corrupters (a lovely nineteenth century euphemism) in death. One malevolent and cunning, one melancholy and repentant, both vying for the children's souls. Or are they the product of the fevered imagination of a sexually frustrated governess? I think not.
Catherine - Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte.  Heathcliff can't live with her and can't live without her. He even digs up her grave. Obsession at its finest. Added bonus-inspiration for a great Kate Bush song.
Hugh Crain and the ghosts of Hill House - The Haunting of Hill House, Shirley Jackson.  Poltergeists and psychic attacks. Pity Eleanor Vance. She just wants to belong somewhere. Only Theo catches a glimpse of the real ghostly horror and she's not talking. Run! Written in 1959 and still one of the best ever.
Mr. Dark - Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury.  Although not a ghost per se, Mr. Dark and his collection of evil entities at the Pandemonium Shadow Show, the October People, appear from the supernatural realm to seduce young Will Halloway, his best friend Jim Nightshade, and the needy townsfolk by offering to grant their heart's desires.  Will's father knows the truth, but how will good triumph over such evil?

Goodreads Giveaway has ended...

Thank you to the 977 Goodreads members who entered to win a copy of The Case Files of Thomas Carney. I sincerely appreciate your interest in my debut novel.

Congratulations Lisa, Glenda, and Heather.  Your copies will be on their way to you on Monday.

Goodreads Giveaway ends in one week...

My Goodreads giveaway ends August 19.  To sign up for the chance to win 1 of 3 available copies of The Case Files of Thomas Carney click Enter To Win on the Goodreads Giveaway Box in the left sidebar, or go to Goodreads.com.  Good luck!

Tarot and The Red Violin

I've read Tarot cards since I was 12 years old and bought my first deck at a local dry goods store with my very own saved up cash.  One thing that has annoyed me over the years is the way in which card readers and, in particular, the cards themselves are portrayed in film and television.  There are two typical scenarios.  Either the reader turns over the Death card and everyone gasps or detectives find the Death card carefully placed at the crime scene and shake their heads about the crazed serial killer they're tracking.

Okay, listen up.  One, the Death card--the one with the scythe-bearing skeleton on it--may look creepy, but does not foretell physical death.  It is a card of personal transformation (think a phoenix rising from the ashes) or of things coming to a natural end in the querent's life.  Any reader who foretells anyone's death from this card is not only ignorant, they're irresponsible.  There are combinations of cards that do hint at illness and the possible death of someone around you (I know... I got them a few days before my father passed away) but guess what.  The Death card isn't one of them.  Tell you what.  I've got a prediction for you.  You're going to die.  We all are.  To borrow a phrase from the Lizard King--no one here gets out alive.

Look at it this way.  A Tarot card reading is like a snapshot of where you are on your path.  It shows events that led you to your current point, what is passing out of your life and what is moving into it.  It gives insight into how your feelings and actions and those of others are affecting your life. The outcome tells you what will occur if you continue along this path.  Remember, you have free will.  You can change your life's path.  If you allow the cards to impart some wisdom to you about what changes need to be made or what actions you need to take, so much the better.  But the cards rarely predict some specific, catastrophic event.

There is one wonderful film that gets it just right.  It opens with a Tarot reading for Anna, the pregnant wife of a master violin maker, given by her servant Cesca.  The reading continues throughout the film, as introduction to each new segment in the history of the Red Violin. Although Anna doesn't realize it in the moment, the reading foretells her soul's journey through fortune and time as it is inextricably bound to her husband's final masterpiece. The film transports us with her on that allegorical journey.

She draws five cards.

Check your style...

I WRITE LIKE...
Cool site to analyze your writing style.

Here's what came out for the prologue to The Case Files of Thomas Carney:

I write like WILLIAM GIBSON
Analysis of my work in progress (Black Dog Days) resulted in:

I write like NEIL GAIMAN
And for my blog style, oh dear...
I write like H.P. LOVECRAFT

The Case Files of Thomas Carney on Amazon...

PAPERBACK NOW AVAILABLE

The Case Files of Thomas Carney is part mystery and part musing on what we might expect from life after death, driven by Tom's irreverent narrative and the stories the spirits have to tell.

Afterlife's residents are more than disembodied forms awaiting summons from the living.  They are individuals with their own desires, joys, sorrows, and secrets.  You'll find familiar characters from classic detective fiction--the wisecracking private eye, his long-suffering secretary, the staunch sidekick, the chatty bartender, the femme fatale--all reformulated for the paranormal genre.

The Case Files of Thomas Carney--Now Available in Paperback!

Finally, the day has arrived.  I hit the "publish" button.  If it sells, great.  If readers find it good, bad or indifferent--well, everyone is entitled to an opinion.  But at least I can say I did it!

The paperback is available immediately through Createspace.  From what I understand, it will take 5-7 days to build completely on Amazon.com (including the "Look Inside" feature) and may take a few weeks longer to populate throughout all the expanded distribution channels.

For all you struggling, unpublished writers out there, I highly recommend giving Createspace a try.  From start to finish, service, communication, and online learning tools have been exceptional.  Any mistakes and frustrations were entirely my own--mostly due to my inexperience.  If you're willing to spend the considerable time and effort to do it yourself, aside from the minimal cost of proof copies, the process of getting your book published is completely free of charge and the resulting product is very professional.

By my good fortune of living in the digital age, I have a wonderful opportunity that the other aspiring authors in my family--my father, my aunt, my brother--never had. They passed away before self-publishing became a reality.  Now I have a book in print, dedicated to all my dear departed.  This one is for them.

New Cover Design!

and the final proof is printing.

Revised proof received and more revisions ensue

Well, I've learned one thing.  Professional book designers earn every dollar they make, bless them.  Doing it yourself is an exasperating process.  Who would have thought type fonts would be such an issue?

With my first proof, I wasn't pleased with the appearance so I set about finding a new font.  Palatino was not that different from Times New Roman and still didn't give it that proper "paperback" look I was seeking.  During my extended rant on the issue, my husband listened, somewhat patiently, and responded, "Bimbo."  Quickly taking offense, I responded hotly to what I perceived as a personal insult (many words beginning with the letter "F" were involved).  "Not B-i-m-b-o," he explained. "B-e-m-b-o.  Bembo.  It's the typeface Penguin uses for all its paperbacks.  It's been around for years.  You need to use Bembo."  Doesn't exist, I responded.  Not on my Word font list.  Yes, it does.  No, it doesn't.  He consulted the internet and pulled up a page describing--Bembo.  How does he know these things?  Damn, I hate it when he's right.

As it turned out, we were both right.  Bembo exists, but has never been digitized as a readily available computer font.  More internet searching resulted in consensus that the closest thing to Bembo was Garamond.  I converted the entire manuscript to Garamond, 10 point.  Looked great on the screen.  However...when the proof arrived, the print version was too small to be read easily.  Sigh.  I've increased the subsequent copy to Garamond 12.  Here we go again.  In the process, I fiddled with some editorial changes (couldn't help myself) and minor corrections.  Then...

My son, Mr. Graphic Design student, home for a few weeks before he heads off to CalArts, took one look at my cover and announced that it "sucked."  He is designing a new one for me.  Okay, yeah, it already looks better.  Geez, everyone's a critic. This new incarnation will be off for a third proof this weekend.  Paperback still coming soon.

Like, stop it!

To the two students sitting in front of me on the campus shuttle bus yesterday--I didn't intend to eavesdrop on your conversation, but due to our proximity, I couldn't avoid it.  I have some advice for you:

Like, I know you're all, like, excited about graduating and all but like, uh, you've got to realize that, like, you're going to have to, like, get a real job and nobody's going to take you, like, seriously if you keep, like, uh, talking this way.  Even if you majored in, like, sociology or something and you won't, like, be sitting in a, like, corporate office but you'll be evaluating, you know, the corn cultivation of, like, indigenous people, you know, uh, like, eventually you're going to have a, like, real conversation with, like, other adults.  If you don't, you know, stop it, they will be, like, tempted to strangle you with their, like, bare hands inside of two minutes.

Like, uh, you know, I'm just saying. 

My book proof arrived on Thursday...

...and I've spent the weekend making changes.  My initial excitement at finally holding a physical copy of my novel quickly gave way to a harsh realization.  I still have a lot of work to do.  Your first proof is a learning experience as much as it is a celebration.  Here's a few things I've already learned the hard way:
1.  No one is going to design your book for you--you're self-published, remember?  Check out the first few pages and the last few pages of paperback novels you own.  Notice the front matter--not just one title page, but more often two.  One with an elaborate design, photograph, or drawing and one with the title only.  Reviews, dedications, acknowledgments, notes about the author, notes about the text, publisher info, legal notices, isbn.  All this before the reader ever reaches Chapter One.  And after your closing line--more pages, author's notes, other works by the author, more acknowledgements.  Nothing screams self-published like a measly title page jumping right to your first line.  Gussy it up a bit.
2.  Times New Roman is fine for your manuscript draft, but don't publish with this font.  It looks amateurish in print. Especially at 12 pt.  I'm changing to Palatino Linotype 10 pt.  Commonly used, easy to read, looks good on the page.
3.  While we're on the subject of type fonts, look at those other novels again.  Note fonts for page headers (you did add odd & even page headers, didn't you?  With your author name and the title?).  Note font changes--small caps is nice--for the first line of each chapter.  Note drop caps for the first word, first paragraph in a section break.  All this gives your work a more professional look.
4.  This may be your last chance--edit, edit, edit.  Scour each page.  Look for extra spaces, incorrect indents, misaligned type.  If you want to change sentence structure, delete superfluous adjectives and adverbs, clean up dialogue tags--do it now.  Read for content as well. Once your book is printed, bound and on the market, you can wring your hands and rend your garments, but you can't change a thing.
All this may seem obvious.  I consider myself an intelligent person, but in the rush of enthusiasm to get hold of a print copy, common sense flew out the window.
Your first proof isn't the finale, but it gives you the wonderful opportunity to find out all the things you did wrong.

Have you heard The Hum?

A colleague of mine and I were in her office chatting a few days ago when she suddenly stopped talking, stared off into space and said "Do you hear that?"  "What?" I asked.  "That hum.  I hear it all the time now.  I heard it late last night.  Can't you hear it?"  I listened.  Yes, I heard a faint droning sound.  "I hear it more when I'm lying down in bed than when I'm sitting up," she said.  "I hear it out at our place. It's so loud it drives me nuts."  (She has property near the mountains, not too far from Yosemite National Park.)  When I thought about it, I remembered something strange I'd been hearing at about 3am for the past few weeks.  Sort of an low, undulating, repetitive sound.  We live near the Pacific coast and I'd just passed it off as some type of fog horn in the distance.

Well, as it turns out, we aren't the only ones who've heard it.  Called by various names, the Taos Hum, the Bristol Hum, or that really annoying background noise.  She sent me this link to prove she wasn't completely crazy.

Tesla's Tower

I have my own theory concerning the hum and the earth's fundamental resonance frequency--The Schumann Resonance.  The Schumann resonances are a set of spectrum peaks in the extremely low frequency portion of the Earth's electromagnetic field spectrum. Schumann resonances are global electromagnetic resonances, excited by lightning discharges in the cavity formed by the Earth's surface and the ionosphere. I think we've sent up so much electromagnetic junk over the last century through radio waves, television, microwaves, and now digital transmissions that we've set off a new band wave of resonance in the space between us and the ionosphere.  It's a thought. ????  Others think it's all Tesla's fault--a disruption in the Schumann Resonance caused when he test fired his Wardenclyffe Tower.  Here's an interesting speculation on Tesla and the hum: Manipulating and Harnessing the Schumann Resonance.

So...have you heard The Hum?

Det danske folk

From time to time out of morbid curiosity, I check the stats page on my blog.  I like to see where in the world people are reading my posts.  The overwhelming majority are from the United States, but there are a scattering of hits from all over the globe.  Then...there's this cluster of hits from Denmark far greater in count than any other single country.

So to all my new Danish friends: Velkommen.  Tak for din interesse for mit skriftligt.  (I used Google translator for that phrase, so if I really said something like 'your mother has a face like a chicken' I most sincerely apologize.)

Here's a quote for you all from that well known play about the Prince of Denmark (you know the one):

Henry Fuseli-Ghost of Hamlet's Father

What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that fair and warlike form
In which the majesty of buried Denmark
Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!

Paperback edition coming soon...

I've been on vacation all week and used the time to re-edit, re-format, and prepare a new cover for eventual publication of The Case Files of Thomas Carney in paperback.  Although Amazon CreateSpace makes the do-it-yourself process fairly simple, it is time-consuming, particularly the cover design.  (Thank God for Adobe In Design.)  I'm now awaiting my first proof.  I should be more excited, but right now I'm just worn out.

The Case Files of Thomas Carney on Independent Paranormal

Check out my new interview with Jennifer Rainey featured on her excellent blog, Independent Paranormal.  We talk about the inspiration behind the book, the struggles of a self-published author and more.

Interview with Cleo Wolfe, Author of The Case Files of Thomas Carney

The Dylan Thomas Random Poetry Generator

I found this link on a site featuring several links to hypertext poetry.  Most of it is unintelligible, but here's my third generation:

I dreamt quickly
By the cobblestreets of the rabbitcatcher
Limping solemnly on the dogdayed leaves
On thoughts of nannygoats
Where bones lie rarely
And all the beef-red girls walk and rave

Play with it here 

Interested in more?  Here's a good set of HYPERTEXT FICTION SITES

The United States...

This isn't a political blog, but today I can't help myself.

Osama bin Laden is dead.  Media all over the world spins the story round and round.

Kudos to the brave Navy Seals who got the real Mission Accomplished.  But let's also stop and consider what the last 10 years have cost us.  The lives of thousands of honorable men and women.  An economy mired in a deepening recession from which we may never fully recover.  The fall of the once strong $US dollar and the rise of a staggering national debt.  Fear mongering which has created a bloated defense budget rife with waste and unaccountability. Limitations on our civil rights via the Patriot Act. A nation divided by bigotry, hatred, and warring ideology to such an extent that consensus on a sound course is all but unreachable.

For this one moment when we are again a 'United' States, let's start to repair our country with reasoned action and civil discourse.  To quote an old Randy Newman song (Sigmund Freud's Impersonation of Albert Einstein in America)--"...America, America, step out into the light.  Your the best dream man has ever dreamed..." Please, let's not continue aboard a Ship of Fools.

Paranormal Files--Update

The face remains on my tree and I remain--unaffiliated.

From the paranormal files...

In the general weirdness department...this face appeared on a tree outside my house about a month ago. I swear before you now that this photo is not retouched, nor did we do anything to alter the tree in any way.  I assume the bark fell off in this pattern.

 

Tree spirit, the Green Man, Jesus or pareidolia ???  I'll let you decide.

The tree sits just beyond my small smoking porch on the side of the house and this guy stares at me as I puff away. He's creeping me out and making me feel guilty.  He looks so disappointed in me.  Maybe I should finally give up the nicotine.

Oh, and to all you Christians out there...Happy Easter.  If this face disappears after Sunday, I'm converting.

Game Theory Takes On Life After Death

Any writer delving into paranormal subject matter, particularly related to life after death, runs the risk of crossing the line on some readers' religious beliefs.  Mindful of this problem, I made a deliberate attempt to keep The Case Files of Thomas Carney religion neutral.  Tom starts the book as an agnostic--he states neither belief nor disbelief in God--and his outlook remains the same to the finish.  When confronted with his new situation in Afterlife, he deals with what he knows to be materially true as events unfold, not what he expects to be true out of a preconceived spiritual framework.

As part of a recent issue on the new theological rendering of hell and expectations of the afterlife, Time writer Bill Saporito included this interesting assessment:

French mathematician Blaise Pascal famously pondered ROE (return on equity,  or in this case, eternity) in the spiritual-investment quandary called Pascal's Wager.  It's an exercise in game theory. A rationalist, Pascal thought about how he might bet against God's very existence and behave accordingly: more rosé, fewer rosaries. But he also knew that had he pursued a hedonistic lifestyle and God existed, a negative outcome would ensue. And he'd be totally, eternally screwed. Better to believe, he reasoned. In Pascal's logic, the rational spiritual investor becomes risk averse and spends a big chunk of the portfolio with God. Pascal, in other words, recommended that you hedge your spiritual investment.


If, in mathematical terms, you assign a zero probability that hell exists, then the rational spiritual investor reduces his exposure, since the expected ROE has been declined. "What do you give up?" asks Yale University professor Keith Chen, a game-theory expert. What's relevant in game theory is the difference between the good and bad outcomes. "If the idea is everybody goes to heaven and everybody enjoys the same privileges, then it unwinds Pascal's Wager," he says.


But both Chen and another game theorist at Yale, Barry Nalebuff, immediately posed another possibility: Is there a nonhell that's still not heaven? (Bell even suggests as much.) If there is heaven and a not-so-good nonhell, there's still a wager, although the spiritual investor might adjust it. Says Nalebuff: "The trick is, what's the cost of leaving?" In this view, Pascal's Wager is more like playing the lottery, says Nalebuff. If you win, heaven is the prize. If you don't, it's just a couple of spiritual bucks lost.

Read more:  A Threat to the Evangelical Business Plan
For those who prefer the old school, here's a photo series:  A Brief History of Hell

Easter Eggs and Other Delights

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m addicted to PC games. I’ve played since the early 80s, when I ordered a 5” floppy disc version of Adventure for my shiny new, state of the art, amber screened IBM PC XT. Adventure was one of the first forays into interactive fiction—a text-only game in which the player controlled the action with simple typed commands that went something like this:

Computer: You’re in a forest.
Player: Go north.
Computer: A ferocious dragon blocks your path.
Player: Kill it.
Computer: How?
Player: Stab it with my sword.
Computer: Your attack has no effect.
Player: Throw a rock at it.
Computer: Your attack has no effect.
…One hour and 50 attempts later…
Player: Strangle it with my bare hands.
Computer: Congratulations. You’ve just strangled a dragon with your bare hands.
…AAAAAHHHHHH!
Computer: A dead dragon lies across your path.

The history of interactive fiction, interactive storytelling and hypertext fiction makes interesting reading in itself: Interactive Fiction. For more about narrative structure in the digital age, I also recommend the book Hamlet on the Holodeck.

In time, I moved on through a succession of upgraded computers and upgraded games with graphics: Zork Nemesis and Grand Inquisitor; Myst (damn those brothers!) and its sequels Riven and Exile, Shivers I & II, and my all time favorite-Dungeon Keeper. Eventually I found RPGs (role playing games) and never looked back—i.e., “hang on, I’ll be with you in a minute, right now I have to kill this f**#!ing cave troll.” I’ve played the fourth installment of the Elder Scrolls series, Oblivion, on and off for over 2 years and am eagerly awaiting the release of #5, Skyrim, on 11/11/11. Hey, I’m the Champion of Cyrodiil five times over, fool. Just who might you be? I’m lettin’ my geek flag fly!

One of the great things about these games is finding easter eggs.

Profiles of the Future: An Enquiry into the Limits of the Possible

 

Arthur C. Clarke formulated the following three "laws" of prediction:

1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Although the Third Law is quoted most often in speculative fiction, I prefer the Second.

Still less than a gallon of gas...

I have raised the price of my eBook from the introductory rate of $0.99 to the Amazon minimum of $2.99.  Still an entertaining read at an excellent price.  Geez, Louise, a pack of gum costs more than 99 cents!

Raymond Chandler - The Simple Art of Murder (1950)

Fiction in any form has always intended to be realistic. Old-fashioned novels which now seem stilted and artificial to the point of burlesque did not appear that way to the people who first read them. Writers like Fielding and Smollett could seem realistic in the modern sense because they dealt largely with uninhibited characters, many of whom were about two jumps ahead of the police, but Jane Austen’s chronicles of highly inhibited people against a background of rural gentility seem real enough psychologically. There is plenty of that kind of social and emotional hypocrisy around today. Add to it a liberal dose of intellectual pretentiousness and you get the tone of the book page in your daily paper and the earnest and fatuous atmosphere breathed by discussion groups in little clubs. These are the people who make bestsellers, which are promotional jobs based on a sort of indirect snob-appeal, carefully escorted by the trained seals of the critical fraternity, and lovingly tended and watered by certain much too powerful pressure groups whose business is selling books, although they would like you to think they are fostering culture. Just get a little behind in your payments and you will find out how idealistic they are.


The detective story for a variety of reasons can seldom be promoted. It is usually about murder and hence lacks the element of uplift. Murder, which is a frustration of the individual and hence a frustration of the race, may have, and in fact has, a good deal of sociological implication. But it has been going on too long for it to be news. If the mystery novel is at all realistic (which it very seldom is) it is written in a certain spirit of detachment; otherwise nobody but a psychopath would want to write it or read it. The murder novel has also a depressing way of minding its own business, solving its own problems and answering its own questions. There is nothing left to discuss, except whether it was well enough written to be good fiction, and the people who make up the half-million sales wouldn’t know that anyway. The detection of quality in writing is difficult enough even for those who make a career of the job, without paying too much attention to the matter of advance sales.


For the entire essay, click here.

Charles Bukowski "Bluebird."

Mark Twain-Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses

In his essay examining (or shall I say skewering) James Fenimore Cooper's writing, Mark Twain gives aspiring authors an excellent style guide.  At the end of a rather long list, he suggests that the author shall:

•  Say what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it. 
•  Use the right word, not its second cousin. 
•  Eschew surplusage.
•  Not omit necessary details.
•  Avoid slovenliness of form.
•  Use good grammar.
•  Employ a simple and straightforward style.

Good advice from one of America's greatest writers.
For the hilarious essay in its entirety, click here:   Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses

Eenie Meenie Chili Beanie-The Spirits Are About to Speak!

As you might have guessed, I love ghost hunter shows.  Here are some favorites:

Ghost Hunters - SyFy Channel
Started it all.  Nut and bolts and down to business. Little or no flash.  Debunk it!  And we have Ghost Hunters International where the spirits speak in foreign tongues.

Ghost Adventures-Travel Channel
High tech and high energy.  Their EVP translations often seem a bit too self-referential ("Kill Zak"...say what? I swore I heard "Get back"), but these big excitable doofs are always entertaining.  Okay, yeah, I did spoof their ghost hunting style a teeny weeny bit in my book.

Paranormal State - A&E
Although these guys have the unfortunate tendency to view almost every haunting they encounter as demonic and as such, with heavy religious overtones  (in most cases, I think exorcism is just aggressive psychotherapy), this show comes up with something interesting now and then.  But...why...so...serious?

I make it the hard way, Charley--$0.99 a copy

No, I don't think my work is only worth 99 cents.  But it's the price of exposure.

New authors fighting for sales on Amazon and Barnes&Noble face a dilemma.  Price your book too high and no one will pay for the download.  Price it too low and run the risk of being labeled a marginal writer peddling a cut rate read.  Common wisdom (among those more experienced in the ways of e-publishing than I) says that readers won't take a chance on an unknown eBook author unless the price is right.  Right or wrong, it seems that the going market price has been set at 99 cents.

So I'll take the small change for now.

Literary Agents, Queries and other side quests

Launching your first magnum opus into the void is a daunting task to say the least.  I'd read blog after blog, web page after web page touting the merits of entering the publishing world only through literary agents.  No one would take me seriously if an agent didn't validate my work, they all cried.  Only an agent could pronounce me worthy and provide the golden ticket into publishing.  Not only that, but my query letter had to be a master work in itself, properly phrased, formatted only as requested, addressed as required.  Mine had to stand out to the agent overwhelmed by a torrent of requests for their valuable time and attention.  If not, I wouldn't get past the assistant's assistant.  Instant delete.

I spent countless hours perfecting my query letter.  Properly respectful, enthusiastic but not boastful, no typos, no misspelled or misused words, minimum plot points for maximum effect, three character limit and on and on and on.  Then I spent the following three months researching individual agents, scouring their agency sites, pouring over their blogs and targeting my queries only to those who professed an interest in my genre, subject matter, or style--commercial fiction, paranormal mystery, supernatural, noir, quirky, funny, smart, a strong narrative voice.  The 45 rejections I received fell into three categories:

1.  Polite and encouraging - "Dear Ms. Wolfe.  Thank you for sending me your work.  Interesting premise, but not for me right now.  Best of luck."
2.  Curt - "Dear (your name here).  Not for me.  Thanks."
3.  Did not deign to respond.

I must have done something wrong.  I rewrote the query letter and tried again.  Another few months wasted.  Different agents, same responses.  I remembered Einstein's saying--"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result."  Time to toss aside the old school.  I checked into e-publishing.  My novel debuted as a Kindle ebook in January 2011.

I know literary agents need to convince new authors that only they can show them the true path.  It's a tough economy and they want to keep their jobs.   But it's a brave new world.  We don't need prior validation anymore.  We have the option of letting our readers decide if we are worthy.

And another...

...heartfelt thank you to Natalie Franscioni-Karp for slogging through my first draft and telling me she actually liked it.  You gave me the will to go on.  Remember the old chant from elementary school--Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold? You're solid gold, Nat.

An Acknowledgment...

to Lee Goldberg for his excellent advice on e-publishing.  Thanks, Lee.  Here's a link to Lee's website:

http://www.leegoldberg.com/